1Raise the hard thing with how you feel and what you need, not with what they did wrong.
I felt alone last night and would love an evening together, not you always disappear.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
God told Musa to speak gently even to Pharaoh (Qur'an 20:44). If gentle words are asked toward a tyrant, they are more owed to the one you love.
“Speak to him gently so that he may take heed, or show respect.’”
Qur'an 20:44
Psychological evidence
The first few minutes of a hard talk tend to decide how it ends. A gentle opening is the difference between repair and escalation.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. A soft start-up prevents the flooding a harsh one triggers.
Feedback
none yet2In the next argument, make one repair attempt, a softer word, a small step back.
Can we start over. I hear you. Let me try again. A hand held out mid-fight.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
The believers are but brothers, so make peace between them (Qur'an 49:10). A reaching word mid-quarrel is peace-making in miniature.
“The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy”
Qur'an 49:10
Psychological evidence
The couples who last are not the ones who never fight, they are the ones who reach for each other while fighting. One repair attempt can break the spiral.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. Successful repair attempts are what separate stable couples from unstable ones.
Feedback
none yet3If you take a break from a fight, name when you will come back, and come back.
Give me twenty minutes, I am not leaving this. Then return, calmer, as promised.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
The God-conscious restrain their anger and pardon people (Qur'an 3:134). Restraint that returns to make peace is the whole of it.
“who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good”
Qur'an 3:134
Psychological evidence
Stepping away to calm down is wise; leaving with no return turns a pause into an abandonment. Naming the time, and keeping it, makes the break safe.
Levenson, R.; Gottman, J. (1983). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · doi
Physiological linkage during conflict predicts declining satisfaction.
Review detail
Why it works. A break without a promised return reads as abandonment, not soothing.
Feedback
none yet4After a fight has cooled, revisit it once without blame, each saying how it felt.
Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
The reward of a wrong is a like wrong, but whoever pardons and reconciles is rewarded by God (Qur'an 42:40). Reconciling after the heat is the higher road.
“Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself––He does not like those who do wrong”
Qur'an 42:40
Psychological evidence
A fight left unprocessed hardens into a grudge. Revisiting it gently, feelings first and blame set aside, turns a wound into understanding.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. Processing a regrettable incident without blame prevents it from festering.
Feedback
none yet5On the fight you keep having, stop trying to win it and ask what it means to them underneath.
What are you hoping for, or afraid of, in this. Then only listen for the dream beneath.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
We made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another (Qur'an 49:13). Even between two, the work is to truly know, not to defeat.
“People, We created you all from a single man and a single woman, and made you into races and tribes so that you should recognize one another. In God’s eyes, the most honoured of you are the ones most mindful of Him: God is all knowing, all aware”
Qur'an 49:13
Psychological evidence
Most stuck conflicts sit on top of an unspoken longing or fear. Naming the dream underneath is what finally moves the two of you.
John Mordechai Gottman; Nan Silver (1999)
Lay presentation of the Gottman Method: Love Maps, fondness and admiration, turning toward, accepting influence, solvable vs perpetual problems, shared meaning.
Review detail
Why it works. Naming the dream under a gridlocked position moves a couple from gridlock to dialogue.
Feedback
none yet6Before you argue your side, say their side back so well that they feel understood.
Summarize what they mean until they say yes, that is it. Then, and only then, your turn.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
Stand firm for justice, witnesses for God, even against yourselves (Qur'an 4:135). Repeating your spouse's case fairly, even when it costs you, is that justice.
“You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act…”
Qur'an 4:135
Psychological evidence
Most arguments are two people each insisting they are not understood. Reflecting their side until they agree ends that loop before it starts.
John Mordechai Gottman; Nan Silver (1999)
Lay presentation of the Gottman Method: Love Maps, fondness and admiration, turning toward, accepting influence, solvable vs perpetual problems, shared meaning.
Review detail
Why it works. Feeling understood first is what lets a person hear the other side at all.
Feedback
none yet7Name the one thing you cannot give up here, and the parts you can flex. Then ask theirs.
Most deadlocks are a small core need wrapped in a lot that is negotiable. Protect the core, trade the edges.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
Reconciliation is best, says the Qur'an (4:128). The settlement that honours both is nearer to that than a win.
“If a wife fears high-handedness or alienation from her husband, neither of them will be blamed if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best. Although human souls are prone to selfishness, if you do good and are mindful of God, He is well aware of…”
Qur'an 4:128
Psychological evidence
Compromise fails when people defend the whole position. It works when each names the one thing they truly need and gives freely on the rest.
John Mordechai Gottman; Nan Silver (1999)
Lay presentation of the Gottman Method: Love Maps, fondness and admiration, turning toward, accepting influence, solvable vs perpetual problems, shared meaning.
Review detail
Why it works. Separating the core need from the flexible edges makes a workable agreement possible.
Feedback
none yet8Voice the specific complaint, not a verdict on their character.
This dish is still here, not you never help. One moment can be fixed; a character cannot.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict
Islamic evidence
A kind word is better than a charity followed by injury (Qur'an 2:263). Say the hard thing kindly and it can still be heard.
“A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing”
Qur'an 2:263
Psychological evidence
A complaint about one act can be solved together. A verdict on who they are only starts a war. Keep it to the moment.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. A complaint invites repair; criticism of character invites defence.