1Before hammering out differences, start from common ground: what do we agree on, and what are our shared goals?
Name the agreement and the shared aim first. Building from what you have in common makes the rest easier.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Manage Conflict; The Art of Compromise (Getting to Yes: common ground)
Islamic evidence
Say, let us arrive at a statement that is common to us all (Quran 3:64). Beginning from the common word is the model for bridging a divide.
“Say, ‘People of the Book, let us arrive at a statement that is common to us all: we worship God alone, we ascribe no partner to Him, and none of us takes others beside God as lords.’ If they turn away, say, ‘Witness our devotion to Him.’”
Qur'an 3:64
Psychological evidence
Starting a hard negotiation from common ground, what you agree on and want together, keeps you allies solving a problem rather than opponents; the differences shrink against the shared aim.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. Anchoring a negotiation in shared goals and agreement, before the differences, keeps the couple on the same side.
Feedback
none yet2Nurture a sense of we, not I: name what you share, your beliefs, goals, and the life you are building.
Seeing yourselves as a team, with shared values and aims, is a quiet strength in hard times.
Where it sits. Gottman method, Create Shared Meaning (a sense of we)
Islamic evidence
The believers, men and women, support each other (Quran 9:71). A marriage is a small version of that mutual support and shared purpose.
“The believers, both men and women, support each other; they order what is right and forbid what is wrong; they keep up the prayer and pay the prescribed alms; they obey God and His Messenger. God will give His mercy to such people: God is almighty and wise”
Qur'an 9:71
Psychological evidence
Couples with a strong sense of we, shared meaning, values, and goals, weather conflict better; the feeling of being a team, not two individuals, is protective.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Journal of Marriage and the Family · doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Review detail
Why it works. A shared identity and common goals give a couple resilience and a sense of being on the same side.