Attention is the currency, and you are spending it on the wrong things

Children run on adult attention, and they do not sort it into good and bad. Attention is attention.

Look at where yours goes on an average day. Almost all of it is spent on things going wrong, because things going wrong are what interrupt you. The twenty minutes when they played quietly bought nothing, because you used those twenty minutes to answer an email.

So the swap is this. Catch the thing you want while it is happening, and say what you saw. That is all. You put your shoes on without being asked. You two sorted that out yourselves. You waited while I was on the phone.

Not praise of the child, which gets awkward fast. A description of what they did.