Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Name the softer feeling underneath the anger.
Before you speak, ask what you were afraid of, not what you were angry about. Usually it is something like: they are giving up on me, or I do not matter here. Say that instead.
Qur’an and Sunnah
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجۡتَنِبُونَ كَبَٰٓئِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَٱلۡفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُواْ هُمۡ يَغۡفِرُونَ
who shun great sins and gross indecencies; who forgive when they are angry
Qur’an 42:37read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
The softer version is harder to say and far more likely to be heard.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Anger and withdrawal are secondary emotions defending primary ones: fear, hurt, shame, loneliness. Secondary emotion reliably elicits defence in a partner; primary emotion elicits compassion.
When not to
Requires enough safety that vulnerability will not be used against you later. If it would be, this is not the place to start.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.