Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Give any reply to a difficult message a full hour before you send it.
An hour is usually enough for the sting to fade and your kinder, clearer self to return.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The tradition honours the one who holds his tongue when provoked rather than firing back, a restraint the Prophet ﷺ counted as real strength.
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Sulaiman b. Surad said:Two men reviled each other in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ). Then the eyes of one of them became red and his jugular veins swelled. The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said: I know a phrase by repeating which the man could get rid of the angry feelings: I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil. The man said: Do you see insanity in me
Sunan Abi Dawud 4781graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
An hour is rarely long enough to lose the point, but it is usually long enough to lose the sting. You will answer the same message as a kinder, clearer version of yourself.
Neff, L.; Karney, B. (2004). How Does Context Affect Intimate Relationships? Linking External Stress and Cognitive Processes within Marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin doi
External stress worsens evaluation of relationship problems independent of the problems.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Delay lets arousal fall so judgement can come back.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.