Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
Learn how they were comforted as a child.
How someone was soothed long ago still shapes what feels like love now.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Kindness to one's family sat at the heart of the Prophet ﷺ's life. To comfort someone well, it helps to know how comfort first reached them.
وَمِنۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَأٓيَٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect
Qur’an 30:21read it in the library
Anas narrated:that "I served the Prophet for ten years. He never said Uff and never blamed me by saying: 'Why did you do so' or why did you not do so?' And the Messenger Of Allah had the best character among all of the people. I never touched Khazz nor silk, nor anything softer than the hand of the Messenger of Allah, nor have I smelled musk, or a fragrance sweeter than the sweat of the Messenger of Allah
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2015graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
What soothed us as children still shapes what feels like love now. Knowing their earliest comfort tells you what will reach them when words cannot.
Laurenceau, J.-P.; Barrett, L.F.; Pietromonaco, P.R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosur. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Daily-diary confirmation of responsiveness as mediator.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Attachment history quietly sets what reassurance a person can receive.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Build Love Maps.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.