Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Shame and stigma
Sensing that you got something wrong socially, without knowing what, tends to turn into watching yourself constantly. That watching is usually what makes the next conversation go badly, not the original mistake.
This kind of nerves does not clear up by pushing yourself into more social situations. Without knowing what actually went wrong, more exposure only gathers more evidence that you fail. What helps is getting specific: ask someone you trust what they saw, learn the one concrete thing, and practise that, instead of trying to monitor everything at once.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes (Quran 2:286). The prayer we are given treats slips as part of being human and asks for them to be handled gently.
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرࣰ ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us with more than we have strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our Protector, so help us against the disbelievers.’
Qur’an 2:286read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A meta-analysis of nineteen studies with over four thousand participants found that fear of compassion, whether towards yourself, towards others, or in receiving it, goes with depression, anxiety, distress and lower wellbeing. Those are associations between self report measures rather than proof of cause. They fit the familiar pattern of pulling back from contact to stay safe and feeling worse for it.
Kirby JN, Day J, Sagar V. (2019). The 'Flow' of compassion: A meta-analysis of the fears of compassion scales and psychological functioning.. Clinical psychology review doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Attention spent watching yourself is attention that is not available for the conversation.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Before you offer anyone the upside of their ADHD, say the hard part out loud first. One patient's answer to being told it was a gift was to ask where he could return it.
No food in the house means eating out late, which means a late night, which means a late start, which means no time to shop. It is not a character flaw. It is a loop.
Listen to how you explain your own good news. If every success gets put down to luck, timing or somebody not looking closely enough, while every failure gets put down to you, the books are not balanced.