Areas › Your body › Grounding and settling
If you have spent thirty years being told you are careless, lazy or too much, no attention technique will touch that. Kindness practice, aimed at yourself, is the part that does.
It usually feels absurd at first, and slightly embarrassing, which is worth expecting rather than reading as a sign that it is not for you. Start with something small and true instead of grand phrases: may I be a bit gentler with myself today. The old commentary does not vanish, it just stops being the only voice in the room.
Qur’an and Sunnah
He turned to them in mercy in order for them to return (Quran 9:118). Mercy comes first and the returning follows, not the other way round.
وَعَلَى ٱلثَّلَٰثَةِ ٱلَّذِينَ خُلِّفُواْ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا ضَاقَتۡ عَلَيۡهِمُ ٱلۡأَرۡضُ بِمَا رَحُبَتۡ وَضَاقَتۡ عَلَيۡهِمۡ أَنفُسُهُمۡ وَظَنُّوٓاْ أَن لَّا مَلۡجَأَ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ إِلَّآ إِلَيۡهِ ثُمَّ تَابَ عَلَيۡهِمۡ لِيَتُوبُوٓاْۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ هُوَ ٱلتَّوَّابُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
And to the three men who stayed behind: when the earth, for all its spaciousness, closed in around them, when their very souls closed in around them, when they realized that the only refuge from God was with Him, He turned to them in mercy in order for them to return [to Him]. God is the Ever Relenting, the Most Merciful
Qur’an 9:118read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Across 21 randomised trials, compassion based programmes produced moderate improvements in compassion, self compassion and wellbeing, and small reductions in depression and anxiety. Self compassion is among the outcomes that moved most, which is the relevant one for years of accumulated shame. The trials varied in what they actually delivered, so this supports the approach rather than one particular script.
Kirby JN, Tellegen CL, Steindl SR. (2017). A Meta-Analysis of Compassion-Based Interventions: Current State of Knowledge and Future Directions.. Behavior therapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
The exhaustion often comes less from the difficulty itself than from the running commentary about it.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Four steps you can do in ten seconds in the middle of anything: stop, take one breath, look at what is actually happening, then carry on.
When you are wound up and when you are flat, you need opposite things. Sweet tastes, soft light, slow rocking and steady weight bring you down; sharp smells, crunchy food, bright images and quick movement bring you up.
If your child is learning to settle, learn it alongside them rather than supervising. Parents who practise report less stress of their own and less flying off the handle.