Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
A wave across the road, a joke with the man in the shop, asking someone how they are and meaning it. These unplanned seconds count for more than they look like they should.
They are also the easiest place to start when arranging a proper meet up feels like too much. Almost nothing is at stake in a greeting, so a fear of rejection has less to take hold of. Aim for a couple a day with people you would otherwise walk straight past, and see whether the evening feels any different.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The servants of the Lord of Mercy 'walk humbly on the earth', and when the foolish speak to them they answer with peace (Quran 25:63). The example given is a small greeting, offered anyway.
وَعِبَادُ ٱلرَّحۡمَٰنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَمۡشُونَ عَلَى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ هَوۡنࣰ ا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ ٱلۡجَٰهِلُونَ قَالُواْ سَلَٰمࣰ ا
The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, ‘Peace’
Qur’an 25:63read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A meta-analysis of 96 studies across eating difficulties looked at how particular emotion regulation strategies, rumination and avoidance among them, relate to how severe things get. That is a different population and a general point about avoidance, so it is only a reason to think that stepping around people tends to keep the difficulty going. It is not evidence about waves and hellos.
Prefit AB, Cândea DM, Szentagotai-Tătar A. (2019). Emotion regulation across eating pathology: A meta-analysis.. Appetite doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Small friendly exchanges lift the mood without asking you to risk very much.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
After years of feeling slightly outside every room, pulling back stops being a decision and becomes the setting you live at. Worth knowing about yourself before you conclude that you are simply not a people person.
Some of what you believe about yourself is not a distortion. Things really did go wrong, often for years. What can be argued with is the conclusion you drew from them, that this is simply what you are.
Put something small at stake and you turn up more. Groups that charge a token amount get better attendance than free ones, and the same trick works on yourself.