Areas › Worry and anxiety › Being seen and judged
Next rung: remark on something in the room. The plant, the noise outside, the length of the queue. Nothing about the person yet, just something out loud about where you both are.
It is the lowest stakes opening there is, because the subject is neutral and the other person can pick it up or leave it. Most of the time a small remark gets a small reply, then another, and you are in a conversation you never planned. If it goes nowhere, that happens to everybody several times a week.
Qur’an and Sunnah
like someone who spends his wealth only to be seen by people (Quran 2:264). Speech aimed at being seen well is much heavier work than speech aimed at the room.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا تُبۡطِلُواْ صَدَقَٰتِكُم بِٱلۡمَنِّ وَٱلۡأَذَىٰ كَٱلَّذِي يُنفِقُ مَالَهُۥ رِئَآءَ ٱلنَّاسِ وَلَا يُؤۡمِنُ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأٓخِرِۖ فَمَثَلُهُۥ كَمَثَلِ صَفۡوَانٍ عَلَيۡهِ تُرَابࣱ فَأَصَابَهُۥ وَابِلࣱ فَتَرَكَهُۥ صَلۡدࣰ اۖ لَّا يَقۡدِرُونَ عَلَىٰ شَيۡءࣲ مِّمَّا كَسَبُواْۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يَهۡدِي ٱلۡقَوۡمَ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
You who believe, do not cancel out your charitable deeds with reminders and hurtful words, like someone who spends his wealth only to be seen by people, not believing in God and the Last Day. Such a person is like a rock with earth on it: heavy rain falls and leaves it completely bare. Such people get no rewards for their works: God does not guide the disbelievers
Qur’an 2:264read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a randomised experiment using the standard laboratory stress test, people asked to approach a judged performance with the aim of benefiting their audience, rather than protecting their own image, showed a blunted cortisol response compared with the usual instructions. Aiming outward changed what the body did under evaluation. It was a single laboratory task, so this is a promising direction rather than an established technique.
Abelson JL, Erickson TM, Mayer SE, Crocker J, Briggs H, Lopez-Duran NL, Liberzon I. (2014). Brief cognitive intervention can modulate neuroendocrine stress responses to the Trier Social Stress Test: buffering effects of a compassionate goal orientation.. Psychoneuroendocrinology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Starting with the room rather than the person keeps you out of the spotlight while you practise.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Pick something ordinary you want to be able to do on your own, book your own appointment, buy your own shopping, and aim at that. It pulls harder than the goal of feeling less anxious.
When a step does not happen, cut the next one down without any speech about it. Smaller, and carry on.
Friends who know what this feels like are worth a great deal. Leaning on them as your therapy is a different thing, and it tends to go badly for everyone.