Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
Sometimes the answer is not a better system. It is doing less, including giving up something you love, because what it costs you has stopped being affordable.
Scouts on a Tuesday, the second job, the committee. Losing one of these is a real loss and it is worth grieving rather than pretending you never wanted it. Do it as a choice between things you value instead of as a failure: this year I would rather have calm evenings with my children than that. Put that way it is a decision. Put the other way it is a defeat.
Qur’an and Sunnah
'God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear' (Quran 2:286). If what you are carrying has gone past what you can bear, that is information about the load, not a verdict on you.
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرࣰ ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us with more than we have strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our Protector, so help us against the disbelievers.’
Qur’an 2:286read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A meta-analysis of 212 studies covering 80,850 young people quantified how coping and emotion regulation relate to internalising and externalising symptoms. It supports treating how you handle load as part of mental health rather than as life admin. It does not test dropping commitments, so the specific move here comes from clinical practice.
Compas BE, Jaser SS, Bettis AH, Watson KH, Gruhn MA, Dunbar JP, Williams E, Thigpen JC. (2017). Coping, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analysis and narrative review.. Psychological bulletin doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A load that will not fit does not get smaller by trying harder, so something has to be put down on purpose.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Certain situations take you apart every single time. The reunion, that one relative, the friend who makes remarks. You are allowed to simply not go.
Nobody tolerates something unpleasant for no reason. Before starting anything difficult, get clear about what you want on the other side of it, in your own words.
Partners of people with ADHD tend not to name the lateness or the lost keys as the real injury. It is the size of the reactions. That is where the damage collects.