Areas › Worry and anxiety › Facing it a step at a time
Nobody puts a child who cannot swim into the shallow end and calls it teaching. Before anyone goes near the thing they dread, they need something to do with their body and their head when the fear arrives.
It takes only one overwhelming attempt to teach the opposite of what was intended: that it really was too much, and that the adults will push anyway. Get a few usable skills in place first, practise them somewhere calm, and only then pick the first step. The wait looks slow to everyone watching and it is the reason the rest of it works.
Facing a fear in steps works, and it works best with someone guiding the ladder. Read this as an explanation of how it works, and take the steps themselves to a therapist.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear (Quran 2:286). A step should sit inside what a person can carry, which is a stated principle rather than a guess.
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرࣰ ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us with more than we have strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our Protector, so help us against the disbelievers.’
Qur’an 2:286read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A meta-analysis of sixty five comparisons in panic disorder examined what exposure, cognitive therapy, relaxation and breathing retraining each separately contribute. The calming components are real and they are not the engine. Read that as a caution in both directions: skills alone will not treat the fear, and sending someone in without them is not made harmless by the fact that exposure does the heavy lifting.
Sánchez-Meca J, Rosa-Alcázar AI, Marín-Martínez F, Gómez-Conesa A. (2010). Psychological treatment of panic disorder with or without agoraphobia: a meta-analysis.. Clinical psychology review doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A step someone can only escape from teaches escape.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
When something frightens you the mind offers one option: do not go. Force out two or three more before judging any of them, daft ones included. Choosing needs something to choose between.
When a child digs in, try reading it as frightened rather than difficult. Most of them want to get this right and simply do not yet know how.
Panic rarely comes out of nowhere. It usually lands on a body already short of sleep, running on coffee and eating at odd hours, so whatever tipped it over did not have far to push.