Areas › Anger › What anger actually is
Defence starts at a boundary. When anger flares, something has been read as crossing a line, so the question worth asking is which line.
The answer is often smaller and clearer than the reaction: being spoken over, being made to look stupid in front of someone, having your time taken without anyone asking. Once you can name the line you can say it as a sentence rather than defending it with volume. Lines stated plainly get respected more often than lines defended loudly.
Qur’an and Sunnah
There is no cause to act against anyone who defends himself after being wronged (Quran 42:41). Defence is tied to an actual wrong, which is why naming the wrong matters.
وَلَمَنِ ٱنتَصَرَ بَعۡدَ ظُلۡمِهِۦ فَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ مَا عَلَيۡهِم مِّن سَبِيلٍ
There is no cause to act against anyone who defends himself after being wronged
Qur’an 42:41read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Experimental work comparing negative states found that regret, guilt, shame, anger and sadness are experienced as distinct, with different appraisals behind each, which supports the effort of naming precisely what happened rather than settling for upset. Precision here is practical rather than fussy. These were controlled comparisons of experience and not studies of how people state boundaries.
van Tilburg WA, Igou ER. (2017). Boredom begs to differ: Differentiation from other negative emotions.. Emotion (Washington, D.C.) doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A boundary you can put into words can be asked for, while one you only feel has to be fought over.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Try giving your anger a character. Not a monster, more like a short tempered friend who genuinely believes he is helping.
Your anger is usually arguing for something. Underneath it sits a judgement about how things ought to be and, almost always, something you care about.
Most anger episodes are over within minutes, which is no comfort at all. Nearly everything irreversible happens in the first few seconds.