Areas › Anger › Choosing your response
Catch the reflex on something small. A one-word reply to your message, and the first question your mind asks is what have I done.
That first question is the reflex, and it is far easier to see when nothing much is at stake. Practise there: notice the accusation your mind reached for, name a duller explanation, then check which the evidence actually supports. Doing it on trivia is what builds the move you will want on a bad evening.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice (Quran 5:8). The warning takes for granted that your feelings will slant your reading, which is exactly what to watch for in small moments.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَآءَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِۖ وَلَا يَجۡرِمَنَّكُمۡ شَنَـَٔانُ قَوۡمٍ عَلَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعۡدِلُواْۚ ٱعۡدِلُواْ هُوَ أَقۡرَبُ لِلتَّقۡوَىٰۖ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ خَبِيرُۢ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ
You who believe, be steadfast in your devotion to God and bear witness impartially: do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God. Be mindful of God: God is well aware of all that you do
Qur’an 5:8read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A survey of 286 adults aged 18 to 88 found that older adults reported expressing anger outwardly less often and dwelling on emotional events less, and that these differences related to their well-being. Something here does seem to shift across a life. It was a snapshot across ages rather than a study of people changing, so it cannot say that practice is what does it.
Phillips LH, Phillips LH, Henry JD, Hosie JA, Milne AB. (2006). Age, anger regulation and well-being.. Aging & mental health doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
The move you have practised on small things is the one that turns up when something bigger happens.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Your mind sorts fast and rough. It matches what is happening now against something it has met before, and in a bad moment it rounds a raised eyebrow up to contempt.
Thinking about your own thinking sounds abstract until you try it. It is the difference between being angry and noticing that you are angry.
Changing how you react is two jobs, not one: loosening the old response and building the new one. Most people only do the second and then wonder why the old one keeps winning.