Areas › Anger › When anger turns to harm
Hurting yourself is not always about coping. Sometimes it is aimed at somebody else, and until you know which it is you cannot know what would help.
This is uncomfortable to ask about and it is not an accusation. An act can be a way through an unbearable hour, or a message to someone who has stopped listening, or both of those on different days. What helps is different in each case, which is why the question is worth asking gently and directly rather than being assumed either way.
If anger in your home has become frightening for anyone, self help is not the right tool. Please reach for real help.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Do not hold on to them with intent to harm them and commit aggression: anyone who does this wrongs himself (Quran 2:231). Harm meant for someone else inside a close relationship is named as something the person ends up carrying too.
وَإِذَا طَلَّقۡتُمُ ٱلنِّسَآءَ فَبَلَغۡنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمۡسِكُوهُنَّ بِمَعۡرُوفٍ أَوۡ سَرِّحُوهُنَّ بِمَعۡرُوفࣲۚ وَلَا تُمۡسِكُوهُنَّ ضِرَارࣰ ا لِّتَعۡتَدُواْۚ وَمَن يَفۡعَلۡ ذَٰلِكَ فَقَدۡ ظَلَمَ نَفۡسَهُۥۚ وَلَا تَتَّخِذُوٓاْ ءَايَٰتِ ٱللَّهِ هُزُوࣰ اۚ وَٱذۡكُرُواْ نِعۡمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيۡكُمۡ وَمَآ أَنزَلَ عَلَيۡكُم مِّنَ ٱلۡكِتَٰبِ وَٱلۡحِكۡمَةِ يَعِظُكُم بِهِۦۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَٱعۡلَمُوٓاْ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيۡءٍ عَلِيمࣱ
When you divorce women and they have reached their set time, then either keep or release them in a fair manner. Do not hold on to them with intent to harm them and commit aggression: anyone who does this wrongs himself. Do not make a mockery of God’s revelations; remember the favour He blessed you with, and the Scripture and wisdom He sent to teach you. Be mindful of God and know that He has full knowledge of everything
Qur’an 2:231read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In 65 adults with aggression problems in intimate relationships, an internet delivered CBT programme teaching emotion regulation and conflict resolution reduced partner violence, and a mediation analysis supported the model it was built on. The useful part is that the treatment worked through what it was aiming at, which is the argument for identifying the function before picking the tool. The sample was small and the target was violence towards a partner rather than self-injury.
Hesser H, Axelsson S, Bäcke V, Engstrand J, Gustafsson T, Holmgren E, Jeppsson U, Pollack M, Nordén K, Rosenqvist D, Andersson G. (2017). Preventing intimate partner violence via the Internet: A randomized controlled trial of emotion-regulation and conflict-management training for individuals with aggression problems.. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
What an act is for tells you what could take its place.
When not to
Where self-injury is happening now, this belongs in a conversation with someone qualified to help, alongside proper support rather than instead of it.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Some of what a person does to a partner is not defence and not temper. It is a script they watched at home, absorbed as ordinary, and never once held up to the light.
Before anything else, take seriously what self-injury is doing for a person. Pain in the body can be easier to hold than pain in the mind, and a hurt you chose yourself can feel like control coming back.
When someone introduces themselves as an abuser, take the word seriously without treating it as the finding. A label names a category of offence, not what is actually going on in them.