Areas › Anger › What you are actually defending
A small child works out how to feel about itself by looking at its parents' faces. If that face was missing, or busy, the looking does not stop, it just moves on to teachers, coaches, friends and strangers.
It is part of why being disrespected can feel so much larger than the moment deserves. Some of that old search is still running. The work is slow and it is not about blaming anyone: it is about becoming the mirror yourself, so the face you keep looking for is one you can actually reach.
Qur’an and Sunnah
We know what his soul whispers to him (Quran 50:16). Being fully known already is offered as a starting fact, which is a strange sort of comfort when you are still looking for somebody to see you.
وَلَقَدۡ خَلَقۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ وَنَعۡلَمُ مَا تُوَسۡوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفۡسُهُۥۖ وَنَحۡنُ أَقۡرَبُ إِلَيۡهِ مِنۡ حَبۡلِ ٱلۡوَرِيدِ
We created man––We know what his soul whispers to him: We are closer to him than his jugular vein––
Qur’an 50:16read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a small waitlist controlled trial, 38 highly self-critical adults were randomly assigned to a loving-kindness meditation programme or a waiting list, and self-criticism fell while self-compassion rose. So a deliberately practised inward warmth can shift things, even in people who are hard on themselves. Thirty-eight people is a very small trial, and the comparison was a waiting list rather than another active approach.
Shahar B, Szsepsenwol O, Zilcha-Mano S, Haim N, Zamir O, Levi-Yeshuvi S, Levit-Binnun N. (2015). A wait-list randomized controlled trial of loving-kindness meditation programme for self-criticism.. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A reflection you never got from outside can be built inside, and then the searching can stop.
When not to
If the search leads back to real neglect or harm early on, that is work worth doing with somebody alongside you rather than alone.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Disrespect is a paper tiger. It comes at you looking like something, and it has never once actually done you any damage.
Try saying the word until it goes silly. Respect, respect, respect: a socially agreed comment on how tall you are supposed to be.
Anger and doubt cannot really occupy the same moment. Anger sharpens everything to a point, and a genuine maybe blunts it.