Areas › Anger › The moment before you snap
Say the difficult sentence out loud, on your feet, in something like the real conditions. Thinking it through in your head is a different skill from getting it out of your mouth when your pulse is up.
Acting it out feels awkward and that awkwardness is part of why it works: the version of you who has to speak is the aroused one, so that is the version who needs the practice. Ask a friend to play the other part, or just walk the room and say it to the wall. Do it two or three times rather than once, and stop while it is still bearable.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Only those who are steadfast in patience, only those who are blessed with great righteousness, will attain to such goodness (Quran 41:35). The good response is placed downstream of practice, which is a fair description of rehearsal.
وَمَا يُلَقَّىٰهَآ إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ صَبَرُواْ وَمَا يُلَقَّىٰهَآ إِلَّا ذُو حَظٍّ عَظِيمࣲ
but only those who are steadfast in patience, only those who are blessed with great righteousness, will attain to such goodness
Qur’an 41:35read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a randomised controlled trial, internet delivered training in emotion regulation and conflict management reduced aggression towards partners among 65 people who had sought help with their own aggression, with changes in emotion regulation accounting for part of the effect. Structured practice of other responses shifted behaviour rather than only understanding. It was a small self referred sample and the training was delivered online, so it is a hopeful signal rather than a settled result.
Hesser H, Axelsson S, Bäcke V, Engstrand J, Gustafsson T, Holmgren E, Jeppsson U, Pollack M, Nordén K, Rosenqvist D, Andersson G. (2017). Preventing intimate partner violence via the Internet: A randomized controlled trial of emotion-regulation and conflict-management training for individuals with aggression problems.. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Practice done in something like the real state is easier to find again in the real state.
When not to
If acting out a past incident leaves you shaking or flooded rather than steadier, stop and do this kind of work with a therapist instead.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
By the time you feel the anger, your body has already set off. That feeling is news arriving late, not proof that you have failed at anything.
Run it for about ninety seconds, stop, and see how that was. Short and repeated beats one long sit, especially if sitting still is not your strong point.
There is no accuracy to aim for here and nothing to beat. Every dot means you got back to the bank, and that is the entire scoring system.