Areas › Anger › Choosing your response
You cannot let something pass that you never let arrive. Allowing the anger in, along with the grab that comes with it, is the part that takes courage.
Most of us try to skip that step by bracing before the feeling is properly here. The catch is that you only learn a feeling will not wreck you by staying with it while it does its worst and then watching it leave. Give it a minute of honest room without giving it your hands or your voice.
Qur’an and Sunnah
You are sure to hear much that is hurtful (Quran 3:186). The hurt is named in advance as part of the road, which makes it something to meet rather than a sign that everything has gone wrong.
۞لَتُبۡلَوُنَّ فِيٓ أَمۡوَٰلِكُمۡ وَأَنفُسِكُمۡ وَلَتَسۡمَعُنَّ مِنَ ٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُواْ ٱلۡكِتَٰبَ مِن قَبۡلِكُمۡ وَمِنَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَشۡرَكُوٓاْ أَذࣰ ى كَثِيرࣰ اۚ وَإِن تَصۡبِرُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ مِنۡ عَزۡمِ ٱلۡأُمُورِ
you are sure to be tested through your possessions and persons; you are sure to hear much that is hurtful from those who were given the Scripture before you and from those who associate others with God. If you are steadfast and mindful of God, that is the best course
Qur’an 3:186read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Analysing 68 effect sizes in adolescents, adaptive strategies such as reappraisal, problem solving and acceptance were associated with fewer depressive and anxiety symptoms, while avoidance, suppression and rumination went with more. Acceptance sits on the helpful side of that ledger. The work was with young people and it is associational, so it points a direction rather than measuring what allowing a feeling will do for you.
Schäfer JÖ, Naumann E, Holmes EA, Tuschen-Caffier B, Samson AC. (2017). Emotion Regulation Strategies in Depressive and Anxiety Symptoms in Youth: A Meta-Analytic Review.. Journal of youth and adolescence doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
You find out that a wave passes on its own by being there while it passes.
When not to
If staying with the feeling tips you into a flashback or leaves you unable to come back to the room, do this alongside a therapist rather than on your own.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
You are not stuck with the temper you have had so far. Reactions are learnt, which is unglamorous news and also the hopeful kind.
It is less anger management than learning to hold an impulse without acting on it. That is a skill, and skills can be learned in a way that characters cannot.
Draw a small circle on three separate scraps of paper without thinking about it. Then look: same size, same spot on the page, same direction of stroke, same starting point, nearly every time.