Areas › Anger › The moment before you snap
There was a moment when the urge came up and you watched it instead of acting. Notice that, mark the date if you can, because that is your proof it is possible.
People chasing this skill often think they have never managed it, when in fact they did it last Thursday in a car park and never counted it. Name the moment out loud: I felt it, I did not do it, I am still here. One clear instance is worth more than any amount of encouragement, because the next attempt gets built on it.
Qur’an and Sunnah
He would have succumbed to her if he had not seen evidence of his Lord (Quran 12:24). The interruption landed inside the moment, which is exactly the kind of moment worth remembering as a precedent.
وَلَقَدۡ هَمَّتۡ بِهِۦۖ وَهَمَّ بِهَا لَوۡلَآ أَن رَّءَا بُرۡهَٰنَ رَبِّهِۦۚ كَذَٰلِكَ لِنَصۡرِفَ عَنۡهُ ٱلسُّوٓءَ وَٱلۡفَحۡشَآءَۚ إِنَّهُۥ مِنۡ عِبَادِنَا ٱلۡمُخۡلَصِينَ
She made for him, and he would have succumbed to her if he had not seen evidence of his Lord- We did this in order to keep evil and indecency away from him, for he was truly one of Our chosen servants
Qur’an 12:24read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a brain stimulation experiment, disrupting a region involved in holding back impulses increased both impulsive movement and retaliation after provocation, which supports the idea of a narrow window in which holding back is genuinely possible. When you did not act, you were using that capacity rather than getting lucky. It was a small laboratory study of one brain region, not a study of real restraint in real arguments.
Dambacher F, Sack AT, Lobbestael J, Arntz A, Brugman S, Schuhmann T. (2015). Out of control: evidence for anterior insula involvement in motor impulsivity and reactive aggression.. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Having done it once, even by accident, is the strongest reason to believe you can do it again.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Your threat system is not a neutral observer. It listens out for danger, so it tends to find some, and your first read of a situation leans towards the worst version of it.
That small press of your own finger does two jobs. It marks the thought, and it gives you a bit of contact with yourself while everything around you is loud.
It helps to get one real taste of this early, in a single sitting, rather than waiting weeks to find out whether any of it is for you.