Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
People who get angry a lot are rarely hard. They are easily hurt, and the anger arrives about a second later to cover the hurt.
This changes what you work on. Instead of asking how to control the shouting, ask what keeps landing so easily and where that softness came from. If you are supporting someone like this, it is worth holding on to the fact that the loud part was the second thing that happened, not the first.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Patiently endure what they say, ignore them politely (Quran 73:10). The instruction is aimed at the exact moment of being needled, which is where a thin skin shows.
وَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَا يَقُولُونَ وَٱهۡجُرۡهُمۡ هَجۡرࣰ ا جَمِيلࣰ ا
patiently endure what they say, ignore them politely
Qur’an 73:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A meta-analytic review found that personality differences in aggression showed up mainly when people were provoked, and far less in neutral conditions. The sensitivity only becomes visible when something touches it. The review pools laboratory studies, so it describes a pattern rather than telling you what to do about your own.
Bettencourt BA, Talley A, Benjamin AJ, Valentine J. (2006). Personality and aggressive behavior under provoking and neutral conditions: a meta-analytic review.. Psychological bulletin doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Anger that started as hurt settles faster when the hurt is what you attend to.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Another one: take a couple of extra items into the express lane and see what actually happens. Almost always it is a look and nothing more, which is worth learning first hand.
What you are proudest of will tell you where you are most easily wounded. The two grow on the same root.
Steadiness under provocation is built the way immunity is, in small doses taken on purpose, at a size you can still handle. Waiting for a real fight to test yourself is too big a dose to learn anything from.