Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.
There is a difference between seeing what you did and grading it. Seeing keeps it available as a choice next time, while grading makes you want to stop looking altogether. The same holds if you are helping someone else practise: name what you saw plainly, let them decide what to do with it, and you keep them with you.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Be steadfast: your steadfastness comes only from God. Do not grieve over them (Quran 16:127). Steadfastness is described as given rather than manufactured, which takes some sting out of a practice that went badly.
وَٱصۡبِرۡ وَمَا صَبۡرُكَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّهِۚ وَلَا تَحۡزَنۡ عَلَيۡهِمۡ وَلَا تَكُ فِي ضَيۡقࣲ مِّمَّا يَمۡكُرُونَ
So [Prophet] be steadfast: your steadfastness comes only from God. Do not grieve over them; do not be distressed by their scheming
Qur’an 16:127read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a randomised trial, adding motivational strategies to a programme for men who had been violent towards partners improved the empathy those programmes set out to build. It supports working with people rather than at them, in a setting where confrontation is the usual instinct. That is a specific population and a specific outcome, so take it as a hint about stance rather than proof about tone.
Romero-Martínez Á, Lila M, Gracia E, Moya-Albiol L. (2019). Improving empathy with motivational strategies in batterer intervention programmes: Results of a randomized controlled trial.. The British journal of clinical psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
You can only choose differently about something you are still willing to look at.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Another one: take a couple of extra items into the express lane and see what actually happens. Almost always it is a look and nothing more, which is worth learning first hand.
A good deal of what stings in a tense moment is what you imagine the other person is thinking. Sitting inside a silence and watching your own mind fill it shows you that plainly.
Working on anger is not meant to leave you with nothing to say. The aim is to keep the objection and let go of the force it was riding on.