Areas › Anger › Cool the body first
Instead of shutting your eyes, let your gaze go soft and wide: the sky, the far wall, the space above someone's shoulder. Keep them open and let the focus loosen.
Closing your eyes in front of someone reads as walking out of the conversation, and it often makes things worse. A soft open gaze breaks the lock without saying anything about them. You are still there, still facing them, but you are no longer staring down a tunnel, and the whole exchange usually drops a level within a few breaths.
Qur’an and Sunnah
It was He who made His tranquillity descend into the hearts of the believers (Quran 48:4). Calm is spoken of as something arriving from outside you, which fits a practice of opening up rather than gripping harder.
هُوَ ٱلَّذِيٓ أَنزَلَ ٱلسَّكِينَةَ فِي قُلُوبِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِينَ لِيَزۡدَادُوٓاْ إِيمَٰنࣰ ا مَّعَ إِيمَٰنِهِمۡۗ وَلِلَّهِ جُنُودُ ٱلسَّمَٰوَٰتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضِۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمࣰ ا
It was He who made His tranquillity descend into the hearts of the believers, to add faith to their faith––the forces of the heavens and earth belong to God; He is all knowing and all wise––
Qur’an 48:4read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Gaze practices of this kind come from contemplative traditions rather than from trials. The nearest studied relative is tai chi, where a review found reduced stress, anxiety and depression and improved mood, while noting that most included trials were of low methodological quality. Slow contemplative practices look helpful in general; this particular use of the eyes has not been tested.
Wang C, Bannuru R, Ramel J, Kupelnick B, Scott T, Schmid CH. (2010). Tai Chi on psychological well-being: systematic review and meta-analysis.. BMC complementary and alternative medicine doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Letting the eyes widen out takes away the fixed stare that both people were feeding.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
If you notice a hard locked stare, in yourself or in the room, look away. Empty space is the safest thing to look at, because it says nothing back.
While you drink, follow the cold going down the back of your throat. It turns a sip into half a minute of attention resting somewhere other than the argument.
Watch your hands. A fist that has closed without you deciding to close it is often the earliest honest report you get that you are angry.