Areas › Anger › The fear underneath anger
Keep a line ready for the moment somebody tells you something you did not want to hear. Something like: I did not know that, I would have had to learn it sooner or later, and now I do.
Write your own version and learn it by heart, because nobody composes a generous thought while their face is hot. The aim is not to feel gracious. It is to have something to say that is not the sharp thing, so you get through the minute and let the feeling catch up afterwards.
Qur’an and Sunnah
When guidance comes from Me, as it certainly will, there will be no fear for those who follow My guidance (Quran 2:38). Being shown what you did not know is framed as guidance arriving, which is easier to take than a verdict on you.
قُلۡنَا ٱهۡبِطُواْ مِنۡهَا جَمِيعࣰ اۖ فَإِمَّا يَأۡتِيَنَّكُم مِّنِّي هُدࣰ ى فَمَن تَبِعَ هُدَايَ فَلَا خَوۡفٌ عَلَيۡهِمۡ وَلَا هُمۡ يَحۡزَنُونَ
We said, ‘Get out, all of you! But when guidance comes from Me, as it certainly will, there will be no fear for those who follow My guidance nor will they grieve
Qur’an 2:38read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a laboratory study of 69 couples, aggression was highest where anger rumination was high, the habit of rethinking a situation was low, and alcohol was present. Those things combined rather than acting on their own, so a ready reappraisal is one factor among several. It was a laboratory task, not a kitchen at midnight.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). The interactive effects of emotion regulation and alcohol intoxication on lab-based intimate partner aggression.. Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Under pressure you can only use what is already to hand, so a rehearsed line beats a good intention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
People do not only defend their bodies. We defend our reputations, our ideas, our sense of what is fair, and the body handles those as though something with teeth were on its way.
A handful of old alarms account for most sudden anger: threat to life or limb, insult, harm coming near your family, someone in your space, rivalry over a partner, and being trapped.
Holding yourself in is effortful for everybody, every time. When it slips you have not uncovered a permanent fault in yourself.