Areas › Anger › Growing empathy
If you have gone numb around other people's pain, the numbness almost certainly started as protection. It kept you upright at a time when feeling all of it would have flattened you.
The trouble is that it does not switch itself off when the danger passes. You find yourself unmoved in front of someone you love, and then you blame yourself for being cold. Calling it what it was, a way of getting through something, makes it far easier to loosen, because you are no longer fighting yourself while you do it.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Peace be upon you. Your Lord has taken it on Himself to be merciful (Quran 6:54). The greeting comes first, even for someone who did wrong out of foolishness, and it is a fair tone to take with yourself.
وَإِذَا جَآءَكَ ٱلَّذِينَ يُؤۡمِنُونَ بِـَٔايَٰتِنَا فَقُلۡ سَلَٰمٌ عَلَيۡكُمۡۖ كَتَبَ رَبُّكُمۡ عَلَىٰ نَفۡسِهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَةَ أَنَّهُۥ مَنۡ عَمِلَ مِنكُمۡ سُوٓءَۢا بِجَهَٰلَةࣲ ثُمَّ تَابَ مِنۢ بَعۡدِهِۦ وَأَصۡلَحَ فَأَنَّهُۥ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمࣱ
When those who believe in Our revelations come to you [Prophet], say, ‘Peace be upon you. Your Lord has taken it on Himself to be merciful: if any of you has foolishly done a bad deed, and afterwards repented and mended his ways, God is most forgiving and most merciful.’
Qur’an 6:54read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A systematic review of self-compassion training in work settings found benefits for well-being, with the caveat that the evidence from workplaces is still limited. That is the closest thing here to what is being described, which is meeting your own hardness kindly rather than attacking it. Modest evidence, offered as a direction rather than a promise.
Kotera Y, Van Gordon W. (2021). Effects of Self-Compassion Training on Work-Related Well-Being: A Systematic Review.. Frontiers in psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Shame makes you defend the numbness, and understanding where it came from lets you set it down.
When not to
If the numbness followed something frightening and has not shifted in years, this is worth working through with a therapist rather than on your own.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
The real feeling usually crosses someone's face for less than a second before the polite version arrives. If your attention is elsewhere, the polite version is all you will ever meet.
Arranging your face into a caring expression does not reliably produce the caring. Do not expect the feeling to turn up just because you set the mouth.
If you are around people constantly and falling out with them constantly, a quiet weekend on your own may do more for your temper than any conversation will.