Areas › Anger › Growing empathy
When you notice you have stopped really being there with someone, change your body before you try to change your effort. Sit forward, unfold your arms, turn to face them properly.
Attention goes late in the day, and trying harder to care rarely brings it back. Moving does. Feet planted, hands open, shoulders squared to them, and the interest tends to follow within a minute. It is quiet enough that the other person notices only that you came back.
Qur’an and Sunnah
you were gentle in your dealings with them (Quran 3:159). Gentleness is credited with keeping people from drifting away, and coming back into the room is where gentleness starts.
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A systematic review of mindfulness, compassion and self-compassion among health care professionals found these qualities relate to lower burnout and compassion fatigue. That is the backdrop to this: attention failing at the end of a long day is a workload problem as much as a willpower one. The review reports associations rather than testing a manoeuvre, so treat the posture shift as a practical guess.
Conversano C, Ciacchini R, Orrù G, Di Giuseppe M, Gemignani A, Poli A. (2020). Mindfulness, Compassion, and Self-Compassion Among Health Care Professionals: What's New? A Systematic Review.. Frontiers in psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Your posture feeds back into your attention, so shifting it is the fastest lever you have.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
A good story about the brain is not evidence. Before you pass one on, especially to people who trust you, it is worth knowing whether it happened the way you tell it.
If eating together helps, it is the together that is helping. Being full is not a route to feeling close, and treating it as one goes wrong quickly for some people.
Give yourself an instruction you can rehearse. Copy one thing about how the other person is holding themselves, once a day, and notice what follows.