Areas › Anger › Growing empathy
If it really is that you feel too much for people, the useful move is not more feeling. It is learning to say no while still meaning them well.
Naming your softness as something that gets used is what makes a limit bearable to set. You are not becoming colder. You are stopping the slow build of resentment that ends in an outburst nobody saw coming. One plain sentence is enough, with no apology tour after it: I cannot take that on. Said kindly, then left standing.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God commands justice, doing good, and generosity towards relatives (Quran 16:90). Justice stands in the same breath as kindness, and part of justice is fairness to yourself.
۞إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأۡمُرُ بِٱلۡعَدۡلِ وَٱلۡإِحۡسَٰنِ وَإِيتَآيِٕ ذِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَيَنۡهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلۡفَحۡشَآءِ وَٱلۡمُنكَرِ وَٱلۡبَغۡيِۚ يَعِظُكُمۡ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تَذَكَّرُونَ
God commands justice, doing good, and generosity towards relatives and He forbids what is shameful, blameworthy, and oppressive. He teaches you, so that you may take heed
Qur’an 16:90read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A systematic review of mindfulness, compassion and self-compassion among health care professionals found these qualities relate to lower burnout and compassion fatigue. Caring for people at length has a cost, and how you treat yourself is part of what decides it. The evidence is about associations within one occupational group, so it is suggestive rather than a rule for everybody.
Conversano C, Ciacchini R, Orrù G, Di Giuseppe M, Gemignani A, Poli A. (2020). Mindfulness, Compassion, and Self-Compassion Among Health Care Professionals: What's New? A Systematic Review.. Frontiers in psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A limit set early protects the relationship that unspoken resentment would eventually damage.
When not to
If saying no puts you in danger at home, this is not a skills problem and safety comes first.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Go long enough without company and almost anyone will do. That is worth knowing about yourself, and worth watching for in someone who lives alone.
Underneath both versions sits the same small dread: somebody being displeased with you. That is the thing to practise surviving, and it does get easier.
Two people who spend time in step really do become more attuned. Nothing passes between your brains while it happens, though, so put the hours in rather than waiting for the wiring.