Areas › Anger › Equanimity and perspective
There is a way of meeting a charge that does not involve charging back. You let it arrive, you move, and the force goes past you.
In practice this looks like standing still, breathing out slowly, and saying very little while the other person spends what they came with. Not sulking, not stonewalling, simply declining to add to it. Most heated exchanges need two people pushing to keep going, and you can quietly stop being the second one.
Qur’an and Sunnah
No misfortune can happen, either in the earth or in yourselves, that was not set down in writing before We brought it into being (Quran 57:22). What arrives is not a personal affront aimed at you, which makes it easier not to lunge at it.
مَآ أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةࣲ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِ وَلَا فِيٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ إِلَّا فِي كِتَٰبࣲ مِّن قَبۡلِ أَن نَّبۡرَأَهَآۚ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ يَسِيرࣱ
No misfortune can happen, either in the earth or in yourselves, that was not set down in writing before We brought it into being- that is easy for God
Qur’an 57:22read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A systematic review of slow breathing found consistent shifts toward parasympathetic dominance along with reports of calm and comfort, while noting the mechanisms are still not fully understood. That is a fair reason to make the out breath long while you hold your ground. The review covers what breathing does in the body, not what it does to an argument.
Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A. (2018). How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.. Frontiers in human neuroscience doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
An argument needs energy from both sides, and it slows down when only one is supplying it.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Have three or four openers ready before you need them. For what it is worth. Can I run something by you. You might not like this, so give me the benefit of the doubt.
Some reactions really do just happen, like a wind up toy pointed forwards, banging into whatever is in the way. That is a description of the problem rather than an excuse for it.
A raised voice at home gets heard as disrespect long before anyone checks. Sometimes the person simply cannot hear how loud they are over their headphones.