Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Emotions as signals
Say the frightened thing rather than the sharp thing. It is far more exposing and it is the only version that tends to get a kind reply.
Under most rows sits something like I think there is something wrong with me, or I have already lost you and I am pretending I have not. Sharp words make a partner defend themselves; the softer sentence usually makes them come closer, because there is nothing in it to fight. Start small if you need to, with one sentence and no explanation, and pick a moment when neither of you is already braced.
Qur’an and Sunnah
when their very souls closed in around them (Quran 9:118). Three men were left in exactly that shame, and the mercy came to them there rather than after they had made themselves presentable.
وَعَلَى ٱلثَّلَٰثَةِ ٱلَّذِينَ خُلِّفُواْ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا ضَاقَتۡ عَلَيۡهِمُ ٱلۡأَرۡضُ بِمَا رَحُبَتۡ وَضَاقَتۡ عَلَيۡهِمۡ أَنفُسُهُمۡ وَظَنُّوٓاْ أَن لَّا مَلۡجَأَ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ إِلَّآ إِلَيۡهِ ثُمَّ تَابَ عَلَيۡهِمۡ لِيَتُوبُوٓاْۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ هُوَ ٱلتَّوَّابُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
And to the three men who stayed behind: when the earth, for all its spaciousness, closed in around them, when their very souls closed in around them, when they realized that the only refuge from God was with Him, He turned to them in mercy in order for them to return [to Him]. God is the Ever Relenting, the Most Merciful
Qur’an 9:118read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A developmental review describes shame, guilt and pride as feelings that arise specifically from seeing yourself through somebody else's eyes, and traces why they carry different consequences. That explains why these are the hardest ones to say out loud: they are already about being looked at. The review is drawing together evidence into an account rather than testing one experiment.
Muris P, Meesters C. (2014). Small or big in the eyes of the other: on the developmental psychopathology of self-conscious emotions as shame, guilt, and pride.. Clinical child and family psychology review doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
People defend against attack and move towards hurt, so what you send decides most of what comes back.
When not to
This asks for a partner who is safe to be vulnerable with, so if honesty has been used against you before, take it slowly or with help.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Going deeper into a feeling only helps if it is being put in order at the same time. Depth without order is just flooding.
Watch for the swerve. Right after something tender gets said, along comes a story about a brother or a colleague or a thing from years ago, and the tender part quietly gets left behind.
If a conversation has wandered off and you have lost the thread, go back to the last thing that had real feeling in it, and go back using the words they used.