Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
In the next hard moment, speak from the soft feeling under the sharp one.
Not you never listen. I feel small when I am not heard. The softer truth de-escalates.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Speak a word that is clear and true (Qur'an 33:70). The soft truth beneath the anger is the truer word.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Anger is usually fear or hurt in armour. Speaking the softer feeling underneath disarms the fight instead of feeding it.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Expressing the vulnerable emotion beneath anger calms the cycle.
Where this sits: EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment-based couple intervention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.