Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Raise the hard thing with how you feel and what you need, not with what they did wrong.
I felt alone last night and would love an evening together, not you always disappear.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God told Musa to speak gently even to Pharaoh (Qur'an 20:44). If gentle words are asked toward a tyrant, they are more owed to the one you love.
فَقُولَا لَهُۥ قَوۡلࣰ ا لَّيِّنࣰ ا لَّعَلَّهُۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوۡ يَخۡشَىٰ
Speak to him gently so that he may take heed, or show respect.’
Qur’an 20:44read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
The first few minutes of a hard talk tend to decide how it ends. A gentle opening is the difference between repair and escalation.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
A soft start-up prevents the flooding a harsh one triggers.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.