Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
In the next argument, make one repair attempt, a softer word, a small step back.
Can we start over. I hear you. Let me try again. A hand held out mid-fight.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The believers are but brothers, so make peace between them (Qur'an 49:10). A reaching word mid-quarrel is peace-making in miniature.
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
The couples who last are not the ones who never fight, they are the ones who reach for each other while fighting. One repair attempt can break the spiral.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Successful repair attempts are what separate stable couples from unstable ones.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.