Areas › Grief and loss › Help someone grieving
With someone grieving, offer your presence more than your words. Sit with them; let silence be enough.
You do not need the right thing to say. Being there, quietly and again and again, is the help.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Be among those who urge one another to steadfastness and compassion (Quran 90:17). Compassion here is mostly showing up and staying.
ثُمَّ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَتَوَاصَوۡاْ بِٱلۡمَرۡحَمَةِ
and to be one of those who believe and urge one another to steadfastness and compassion
Qur’an 90:17read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Feeling supported and accompanied buffers people against the full impact of a loss, and often it is presence, not advice, that does this. Showing up is the intervention.
Cohen, S. and Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin doi
Perceived social support buffers individuals against the harmful impact of stressful life events.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Simple, steady presence buffers a grieving person against the worst of the stress.
Where this sits: Supporting the bereaved; social support.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
To someone in grief, a short gentle word beats advice or fixing. Say something kind, and mean it.
Let the loss remind you that this life is short, and let that soften what you were gripping too tightly.
When loss hits, remember it was named in advance as a test, and that good news was promised to those who hold.