Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.
Remorse that is felt and shown, not performed to end the discomfort, is the seed of rebuilt trust.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Turn to God in sincere repentance (Quran 66:8). Sincere turning, felt and not merely spoken, is the beginning of return.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ تُوبُوٓاْ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ تَوۡبَةࣰ نَّصُوحًا عَسَىٰ رَبُّكُمۡ أَن يُكَفِّرَ عَنكُمۡ سَيِّـَٔاتِكُمۡ وَيُدۡخِلَكُمۡ جَنَّٰتࣲ تَجۡرِي مِن تَحۡتِهَا ٱلۡأَنۡهَٰرُ يَوۡمَ لَا يُخۡزِي ٱللَّهُ ٱلنَّبِيَّ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ مَعَهُۥۖ نُورُهُمۡ يَسۡعَىٰ بَيۡنَ أَيۡدِيهِمۡ وَبِأَيۡمَٰنِهِمۡ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَآ أَتۡمِمۡ لَنَا نُورَنَا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَآۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيۡءࣲ قَدِيرࣱ
Believers, turn to God in sincere repentance. Your Lord may well cancel your bad deeds for you and admit you into Gardens graced with flowing streams, on a Day when God will not disgrace the Prophet or those who have believed with him. With their lights streaming out ahead of them and to their right, they will say, ‘Lord, perfect our lights for us and forgive us: You have power over everything.’
Qur’an 66:8read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Genuine remorse, openly expressed, is one of the strongest predictors that a couple recovers from betrayal; a defensive or minimizing stance predicts the opposite. The apology has to be real.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Sincere, expressed remorse from the one who broke trust is essential to the injured partner's healing.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (express remorse).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
The partner who broke trust answers questions with complete transparency and hides nothing going forward.
Do not rush to analyze why it happened. That comes much later, and never as a way to shift blame.
Atonement is not only apology; it is changed behavior over time. Let your actions become the apology.