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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

7 practices
Answering bids remove filterInvolves someone else remove filterUnder stress remove filterClear all
How long you have
A minute 6Twenty minutes 1
Who it is written for
My husband or wife 7Me 7
On your own, or with someone · Involves someone else
Involves someone else 7On my own 2
Theme · Answering bids
Staying regulated in conflict 11The cost of avoiding 8Answering bids 7Screens and attention 6Affection and touch 5Feelings and focus 4Your nervous system 4Listening and understanding 3Knowing your partner 3Getting assessed and diagnosed 2Grounding and settling 2What anger actually is 2Shame and stigma 2Structure and routine 2The moment before you snap 2Systems for daily life 2Treatment and medication 2Choosing your response 2What worry does 2The fear underneath anger 2Treatment and medication 1Cool the body first 1Emotions as signals 1Growing empathy 1Equanimity and perspective 1Facing it a step at a time 1Feeling from the inside 1Reading, numbers and learning differences 1Medication and how it works 1Moving your body 1Exercise, food and other supports 1Posture and how you carry yourself 1Rebuild trust 1Repair after rupture 1Rest and pacing 1Safety and grounding 1Shared spiritual life 1Tolerate distress 1What you are actually defending 1Breaking the worry loop 1
Approach
Emotionally focused 4Gottman 2Core 1
When · Under stress
Under stress 7Any ordinary day 2Something good 2

When your spouse reaches for you today, stop and answer, do not leave them waiting.

The reach may be small: a look, a text, a sigh. Being reachable is the whole thing.

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 2:186

When your spouse is struggling today, be with them in it before offering any solution.

Resist the fix. First that sounds so hard, I am here. Solutions can come later, if at all.

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 3:159

Hear the real question under most conflict: are you there for me? Are you accessible, responsive, and engaged with me?

Beneath the argument about chores or money is an attachment question: can I reach you, do I matter, will you respond when I need you? Answering that…

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 2:186

When your partner is distressed, the answer is not a fix but your presence: be with them, feel it with them, stay.

Disconnection is healed less by solving the problem than by emotional presence, being genuinely there, attuned and engaged, so your partner does not…

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 20:46

Ask which kind of support they want today rather than deciding for them.

Sometimes it is help, sometimes only company; asking spares you both the wrong gift.

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 42:38

When your partner is up against something, take their side: this is our problem, we will face it together.

Even if you see the other side, do not side with the enemy against your partner. Stand with them first.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 9:71

Once today, ask about a stress from outside the two of you, then just listen. No fixing.

Twenty minutes on their side. Your only job is to understand and be on their team.

Twenty minutesAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 30:21

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.