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Your marriage
What keeps a marriage well is not the big gestures. It is knowing each other, turning towards each other in ordinary moments, staying regulated when it gets hot, and repairing quickly when it goes wrong. Most of the practices here take under five minutes.
Narrowed down
6 practicesTheme · Staying regulated in conflict
How long you have · Five minutes
Approach
When · Under stress
When it heats up today, slow everything down: your voice, your breath, your pace.
Speed is the fuel of a fight. Halve your tempo and the heat drops with it.
If you are the critical one, risk the soft feeling under the anger and ask, gently, for what you need instead of attacking.
Criticism is often a protest from someone who feels alone and unmet. Softening, letting your partner see the hurt beneath the sharpness and asking…
When you feel flooded today, name it and take a real break before you say a word.
Racing heart, tight chest, that is the signal. Step away, breathe, come back when steady.
On a break, do not rehearse how wronged you are. Let the grievance go and let your body settle.
Thoughts like I do not have to take this keep you flooded. Turn to something calming instead.
On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.
Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.
Before you try to persuade, summarize your partner's position back until they say yes, that is it.
No persuasion lands until your partner feels understood. Interview them, then reflect their view to their satisfaction.