If one thing stays with you

Let it be this.

There is no prayer debt from nifas, forty days is a ceiling and not a sentence, and the concession was a ruling given for you rather than a punishment given to you.

The thoughts that horrify you are common, and the horror is the telling detail. The silence around them is what keeps this going, and one true sentence to one person cuts it.

And the Qur'an calls carrying and bearing a child hardship, twice, in one clause. Saying that this is hard is not ingratitude. It is the vocabulary you were given.