If it is heavier than that

If you are having thoughts that the world would be better without you, or that you have gone past forgiving and it is already decided, please treat that as urgent today. Not as part of this pattern and not as something to raise later. Tell a doctor, an emergency service, or somebody who is in the room with you.

Shame, secrecy, and a belief that you are beyond forgiveness is a combination that gets people killed, and every part of it is arguable except the shame, which is not evidence about anything.

There is nothing about this that puts you outside asking for help. That is a thing people say and it has no standing.