Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Let one provocation pass entirely today.
Something will invite a response today: a tone, a comment, a look. Let one of them go completely. Not swallowed resentfully. Just not picked up.
Qur’an and Sunnah
A man asked the Prophet ﷺ for advice he could actually keep. He said: do not become angry. The man asked again, repeatedly, and each time received the same answer. The simplest instruction was judged the most worth repeating.
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Abu Hurairah narrated that a man came to the Messenger of Allah and said:"Teach me something that is not too much for me so that, perhaps, I may abide by it." He (S.A.W) said: "Do not get angry." He repeated that (the request) a number of times, each time he replied: 'Do not get angry
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2020graded sound, albanifull report
Narrated Abu Huraira:A man said to the Prophet (ﷺ) , "Advise me! "The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious
Sahih al-Bukhari 6116graded sound, sahihaynfull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Letting it pass is a decision, not a defeat. You can always return to it when neither of you is armed.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Escalation requires reciprocation. Declining one exchange interrupts the loop at the lowest possible cost, before either partner is committed to a position.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.