Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
After a fight has cooled, revisit it once without blame, each saying how it felt.
Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The reward of a wrong is a like wrong, but whoever pardons and reconciles is rewarded by God (Qur'an 42:40). Reconciling after the heat is the higher road.
وَجَزَٰٓؤُاْ سَيِّئَةࣲ سَيِّئَةࣱ مِّثۡلُهَاۖ فَمَنۡ عَفَا وَأَصۡلَحَ فَأَجۡرُهُۥ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّٰلِمِينَ
Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself––He does not like those who do wrong
Qur’an 42:40read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A fight left unprocessed hardens into a grudge. Revisiting it gently, feelings first and blame set aside, turns a wound into understanding.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Processing a regrettable incident without blame prevents it from festering.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.