Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Breathe out for longer than you breathe in, six slow times, before you answer.
A longer out-breath settles the body first, so your words come from a calmer place.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Even in anger there is a gentler road: the Qur'an praises those who forgive when they are angry, and the Prophet ﷺ taught changing your state when rage rises. A slow breath is that wisdom, close to hand.
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجۡتَنِبُونَ كَبَٰٓئِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَٱلۡفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُواْ هُمۡ يَغۡفِرُونَ
who shun great sins and gross indecencies; who forgive when they are angry
Qur’an 42:37read it in the library
Narrated AbuDharr: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down
Sunan Abi Dawud 4782graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In conflict the body sounds its alarm before the mind does, and words spoken from that alarm rarely land well. A long exhale switches the alarm off first, so what you say comes from you and not from the adrenaline.
Gottman, J.; Levenson, R. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Interaction patterns and physiological arousal predicting dissolution.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A slow exhale calms the alarm the body raises under threat.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.