Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
Ask what makes them feel most cared for, and then believe the answer.
Our usual gestures are often for the person we imagine, not the one in front of us.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The best of you, the Prophet ﷺ taught, is the best to his wife, and being best to someone means loving them in the language they actually receive.
وَمِنۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَأٓيَٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect
Qur’an 30:21read it in the library
Narrated 'Aishah:that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives, and when your companion dies, leave him alone
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 3895graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
We tend to love people the way we would want to be loved, and miss. Asking, and trusting the answer, replaces your guess with their truth.
Reis, H. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Interdisciplinary research on close relationships: The case for integration.
PPR as the active ingredient common to healthy relationships.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Care received as care requires knowing their language, not ours.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Build Love Maps.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
If you are the one who goes quiet and pulls away, name the fear behind it and step back in: I shut you out because I was afraid of failing you.
Name their three current worries to yourself, then gently check whether you were right.
Be the first to lower your guard today, even a little, and say something true and soft.