Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Before you respond, say back what you heard them mean.
Being understood, even before being agreed with, settles almost everything.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Conduct your affairs by mutual consultation, the Qur'an counsels, and consultation begins with truly hearing the other before you answer.
وَٱلَّذِينَ ٱسۡتَجَابُواْ لِرَبِّهِمۡ وَأَقَامُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَأَمۡرُهُمۡ شُورَىٰ بَيۡنَهُمۡ وَمِمَّا رَزَقۡنَٰهُمۡ يُنفِقُونَ
respond to their Lord; keep up the prayer; conduct their affairs by mutual consultation; give to others out of what We have provided for them
Qur’an 42:38read it in the library
Anas narrated that the Prophet(s.a.w) said:"None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2515graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Most arguments are two people each insisting they have not been understood. Reflecting back what they meant, before you reply, ends that loop before it starts.
Reis, H. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Interdisciplinary research on close relationships: The case for integration.
PPR as the active ingredient common to healthy relationships.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Reflecting understanding lowers defensiveness and builds closeness.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.