Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Take the word if out of your apology.
An apology with if in it quietly takes itself back; without it, the apology is whole.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Repel what is bad with something better, the Qur'an teaches, and even an enemy may become a close friend. A whole apology, with no defence attached, is that better thing.
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Explaining the Qur’anic verse “Hold to forgiveness”, `Abd Allah b. Al-Zubair said:The Prophet of Allah (ﷺ) was commanded to hold to forgiveness from the conduct of the people
Sunan Abi Dawud 4787graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Sorry if quietly takes the apology back; sorry that gives it fully. The cleaner the apology, the faster the wound closes.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A clean apology repairs; a defended one reopens the wound.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; repair.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.