Areas › Your marriage › Gratitude
Praise a quality of their character, not only something they did.
To be admired for who you are, not just what you produced, is a rare and steadying gift.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Truly you have a strong character, the Qur'an says of the Prophet ﷺ, and the most beloved, he taught, are the best in character. To name that in someone is a rare gift.
وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَىٰ خُلُقٍ عَظِيمࣲ
truly you have a strong character––
Qur’an 68:4read it in the library
Jabir narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:"Indeed the most beloved among you to me, and the nearest to sit with me on the Day of Judgment is the best of you in character. And indeed, the most disliked among you to me, and the one sitting furthest from me on the Day of Judgement are the Thartharun, and the Mutashaddiqun and the Muthafaihiqun." They said: "O Messenger of Allah! We know about the Thartharun, and…
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2018graded sound, albanifull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
To be thanked for what you did is nice; to be admired for who you are steadies something deeper. Praise the character behind the act, not only the act.
Gordon, A.; Impett, E.; Kogan, A.; Oveis, C.; Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Gratitude promotes maintenance behaviour and responsiveness.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Character praise nourishes identity and closeness.
Where this sits: Gottman method, The Positive Perspective.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.