Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Shame and stigma
When a young person with ADHD goes through a first breakup or loses a friendship group, stay closer than usual. Do not wait for the next arranged contact.
Rejection lands harder here, and impulsivity shortens the gap between feeling unbearable and acting on it. A short unannounced check in, a lift somewhere, sitting in the same room without needing to talk: any of these keeps the line open. Ask directly how bad it has got, rather than hoping the subject will come up on its own.
Qur’an and Sunnah
My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God's mercy (Quran 39:53). The address there is to people convinced they have ruined everything, which is where somebody can be sitting after a first loss.
۞قُلۡ يَٰعِبَادِيَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَسۡرَفُواْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمۡ لَا تَقۡنَطُواْ مِن رَّحۡمَةِ ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَغۡفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًاۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
Say, ‘[God says], My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful
Qur’an 39:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A systematic review of experimental ostracism research found that social exclusion contributes to the development and persistence of psychiatric disorders and is bound up with their stigma. Most of that work uses brief laboratory exclusion rather than real losses, so it understates rather than describes what a first heartbreak feels like. The direction of the finding is clear enough: exclusion is not a small event.
Reinhard MA, Dewald-Kaufmann J, Wüstenberg T, Musil R, Barton BB, Jobst A, Padberg F. (2020). The vicious circle of social exclusion and psychopathology: a systematic review of experimental ostracism research in psychiatric disorders.. European archives of psychiatry and clinical neuroscience doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Being reachable during the hours when the feeling peaks is what makes the difference.
When not to
If there is any mention of suicide or self harm, treat it as urgent and get professional help the same day rather than carrying it alone.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Listen to how you explain your own good news. If every success gets put down to luck, timing or somebody not looking closely enough, while every failure gets put down to you, the books are not balanced.
Some people will not believe this exists whatever you show them. You are allowed to give a short honest answer and then let the conversation go.
Once you have a reputation for being late or forgetful, people begin watching for it. The rate of your mistakes may not have moved at all, and the number that get noticed keeps climbing.