Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
When you genuinely cannot know what someone thought of you, the harsh guess is no more accurate than the kind one. Since you are inventing either way, invent the version that lets you carry on with your day.
This is not positive thinking. It is noticing the moment you moved from evidence to invention, because at that point you get a say. A short reply could mean they are annoyed with you or that they were on a train. Neither is knowledge. Pick the reading you can live with, and if it truly matters, ask them instead of deciding for them.
Qur’an and Sunnah
'repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend' (Quran 41:34). The better response is described as the thing that changes what happens next, which is also true of the better guess.
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A three level meta-analysis of 75 studies found that sensitivity to rejection is linked with depression, anxiety and loneliness. The link was moderate in size rather than overwhelming, and an association is not a cause, so take it as a reason to be gentle with this habit rather than alarmed by it.
Gao S, Assink M, Cipriani A, Lin K. (2017). Associations between rejection sensitivity and mental health outcomes: A meta-analytic review.. Clinical psychology review doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Once the facts run out, the version you settle on is the one that shapes how you behave for the rest of the day.
When not to
If the guess concerns someone's safety, or a real disagreement that keeps coming back, ask rather than reinterpret.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Halfway up the argument, ask yourself one question. What do I want here, and who am I trying to be. Winning the sentence is rarely worth what it costs by bedtime.
The reason your partner follows you out of the room is usually not control. It is the fear that if you leave now, this will never be finished.
Sometimes the answer is not a better system. It is doing less, including giving up something you love, because what it costs you has stopped being affordable.