Areas › Anger › Choosing your response
If you are on autopilot, the part of you that would notice is asleep as well. So do not count on waking yourself in the moment, arrange for something outside you to do the waking.
That might be a practice kept at fixed times, a phrase agreed with someone at home, a note left where you will genuinely see it, or a plain if this then that rule set in advance: if my voice climbs, I go and fill the kettle. The point of deciding beforehand is that the decision does not need you to be alert when it fires.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Keep up the prayer: prayer restrains outrageous and unacceptable behaviour (Quran 29:45). A practice kept up at set times goes on working on you at hours when you would never have thought to begin it.
ٱتۡلُ مَآ أُوحِيَ إِلَيۡكَ مِنَ ٱلۡكِتَٰبِ وَأَقِمِ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَۖ إِنَّ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ تَنۡهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلۡفَحۡشَآءِ وَٱلۡمُنكَرِۗ وَلَذِكۡرُ ٱللَّهِ أَكۡبَرُۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعۡلَمُ مَا تَصۡنَعُونَ
[Prophet], recite what has been revealed to you of the Scripture; keep up the prayer: prayer restrains outrageous and unacceptable behaviour. Remembering God is greater: God knows everything you are doing
Qur’an 29:45read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a series of experiments, forming an if then plan reduced the pull of an established habit, though the benefit shrank the stronger that habit was. So this helps, and it helps least exactly where you need it most, which is worth knowing before leaning on it alone. The studies looked at everyday habits in volunteers rather than at anger in a real argument.
Webb TL, Sheeran P, Luszczynska A. (2009). Planning to break unwanted habits: habit strength moderates implementation intention effects on behaviour change.. The British journal of social psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A rule set in advance can run at a moment when your judgement is not available.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Not taking things personally is a question rather than a personality. The question is short: was that aimed at me, or was I simply standing there?
A break only counts if you come back. Notice the anger, leave the room, actually settle yourself, then return and finish the conversation.
Your mind sorts fast and rough. It matches what is happening now against something it has met before, and in a bad moment it rounds a raised eyebrow up to contempt.