Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
Most of what feels wounded when someone slights you is a story you carry about who you are. A story can be looked at, which is a very different thing from having to defend it.
Try naming yours in one plain line. I am the reliable one. I am the one who does not get things wrong. I am nobody's fool. Then notice that the person who annoyed you came nowhere near the real you, only near the line. Holding it loosely does not mean deciding it is false, it means you stop needing every room to confirm it.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Whose hearts fill with awe whenever God is mentioned, who endure whatever happens to them with patience (Quran 22:35). When the centre of you rests somewhere steadier, a knock to the story is a smaller event.
ٱلَّذِينَ إِذَا ذُكِرَ ٱللَّهُ وَجِلَتۡ قُلُوبُهُمۡ وَٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ عَلَىٰ مَآ أَصَابَهُمۡ وَٱلۡمُقِيمِي ٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَمِمَّا رَزَقۡنَٰهُمۡ يُنفِقُونَ
whose hearts fill with awe whenever God is mentioned, who endure whatever happens to them with patience, who keep up the prayer, who give to others out of Our provision to them
Qur’an 22:35read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Acceptance and commitment therapy trains this stepping back from your own thoughts rather than arguing them down, and in 101 adults reporting recent partner aggression, a group version reduced aggressive behaviour compared with a support and discussion group. The trial measured behaviour in relationships and not what participants believed about themselves. So the practice has real support behind it, without proof that this is the reason it helps.
Zarling A, Lawrence E, Marchman J. (2015). A randomized controlled trial of acceptance and commitment therapy for aggressive behavior.. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Anything you can watch from a small distance has less grip on what you do next.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Here is a small one to practise on. Take the time you need to park properly, even with somebody waiting, instead of driving on to find an easier spot.
People who get angry a lot are rarely hard. They are easily hurt, and the anger arrives about a second later to cover the hurt.
Keeping your eyes open is part of the exercise, because looking away is a quiet way of leaving. The small escapes are what keep a hard moment hard.