Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
Some people move through the day half expecting to be slighted, and the scanning itself wears them out. If most days seem to contain someone who did not give you your due, part of the pattern may be in the looking.
It helps to notice the scanning rather than to argue with it. Ask how many of today's slights you actually witnessed and how many you inferred from a tone or a slow reply. Then watch what you do afterwards, because going over the moment again and again is what turns a small thing into a long one.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment (Quran 20:130). Contentment is placed at the end of a routine, which is a gentler place to live than on watch for the next slight.
فَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَا يَقُولُونَ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِ رَبِّكَ قَبۡلَ طُلُوعِ ٱلشَّمۡسِ وَقَبۡلَ غُرُوبِهَاۖ وَمِنۡ ءَانَآيِٕ ٱلَّيۡلِ فَسَبِّحۡ وَأَطۡرَافَ ٱلنَّهَارِ لَعَلَّكَ تَرۡضَىٰ
so [Prophet] be patient with what they say- celebrate the praise of your Lord, before the rising and setting of the sun, celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment
Qur’an 20:130read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a laboratory study with 69 couples, dwelling on a provocation pushed aggression up while reappraising it pulled aggression down, and alcohol loosened restraint on top of that. The dwelling, not only the original offence, was doing real work. It was a controlled lab task rather than a row at home, so read it as a direction of travel.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). The interactive effects of emotion regulation and alcohol intoxication on lab-based intimate partner aggression.. Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Looking for offence keeps finding it, and every replay tops the feeling back up.
When not to
If you drink, notice that a grievance carried into a drink is far more likely to come back out as something you regret.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
The shape of the whole thing is simple. Find the judgement that stings, meet it, talk it through, meet it again with a different intention, talk it through, then mark that you did it.
When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.
Let yourself be five minutes late to something that does not matter. Then ask how you would feel if a friend were five minutes late to you.