Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Shame
Shame does something cruel. It makes you want to disappear from the very person whose warmth would settle it, so if you notice yourself going quiet and pulling back, that pull is the shame talking rather than the truth about you.
Watch for the small retreats. Not answering a message, keeping an answer short, changing the subject when someone asks how you are. You do not have to fling the door open, but you can leave it ajar: stay in the room, keep your eyes up a moment longer, let one true sentence out. Shame loses some of its grip as soon as it is witnessed kindly instead of hidden.
Qur’an and Sunnah
'My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God's mercy. God forgives all sins' (Quran 39:53). The address is aimed at exactly the person shame says is past helping, which is a reason not to disappear.
۞قُلۡ يَٰعِبَادِيَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَسۡرَفُواْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمۡ لَا تَقۡنَطُواْ مِن رَّحۡمَةِ ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَغۡفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًاۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
Say, ‘[God says], My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful
Qur’an 39:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A conceptual review of shame and guilt after trauma argued that shame, more than guilt, tends to drive withdrawal and damage to a person's sense of who they are. That account is largely theoretical rather than experimental, so treat it as a well argued description and not proof. It does match what people report, that the wish to vanish arrives with the feeling itself.
Wilson JP, Drozdek B, Turkovic S. (2006). Posttraumatic shame and guilt.. Trauma, violence & abuse doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Hiding keeps the belief that you are unacceptable untested, so it never gets a chance to be proved wrong.
When not to
If the person you would be opening up to has been cruel about your vulnerabilities before, choose someone safer first.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
A friend or a counsellor telling you that you are not a monster helps, and it only takes you so far. The shame usually sits with one particular person, and it eases most when that person hears the thing and stays.
Telling someone it was not their fault often bounces straight off, and there is a reason for that. Self blame can be the safer of the two stories, and you are asking them to give up shelter.
With someone carrying old shame, ask about the closeness itself. Is it alright that I am sitting here with you? Would a bit more space help? Then adjust, and let them see you adjust.